Denmark lovely
Published May 7, 2024
I've created a new term 'Denmark lovely'
What does that mean?
When the annoyances inside don't ruin the whole.
Oh great, thanks.
That is Denmark lovely.
Denmark was Denmark lovely.
BOOMS and BANGS
Not long after I sat down in Copenhagen Airport and began eating my roll of Mentos an announcement came over the speakers.
"Today the government of Denmark will be testing the emergency siren system."
...and the emergency alert system too, everyone in Denmark including visitors would get a text!!
FUN STUFF.
Here we go.
The ludicrously priced Stansted Mentos were digesting now, and here I was ready for ACTION!
The sirens sounded across the land and the 'PRESIDENTIAL ALERT' hit my phone.
The message jumped onto the screen, vibrating excited and proud.
I appreciated the dramatic welcome. Test? Perhaps... warning to nation that Brad Nicholls was here, much more likely.
ENTRY
As I approached passport control I knew this would set the tone for the trip. A bad experience would mean all of Denmark was truly represented by those few Danish dipshits I'd met before. A positive one would change the landscape and allow an opening for something more.
The smiling bright-eyed bald-headed officer took his time viewing the pages of my passport.
"You travel A LOT." he said, genuinely impressed.
The entire nation of Denmark had obviously been instructed to treat me nicely. After my years of telling the world that I'd never met a Dane that wasn't a complete dumb dumb dipshit.
Now then. The entire nation of Denmark had conspired to ensure they became a nation of esteem and ability. Redemption. Their one and only chance.
They took it, and did well. I commend them.
I did meet a few Dumb Dumb Danish Dipshits in Copenhagen and that's where 'Danish lovely' comes in. A few turds on the tiles of a grand palace.
WHAT IS THIS
On the train from the airport I defined Denmark as it flew past the window. Denmark is England from another timeline - pinched and squigged. A plate of beans and mash potato on the sea.
This peninsula-island mix hat on the head of Germany.
Ya Hah!!
HERE WE ARE and DENOCIDE
I stayed in Nyhavn, in the center of the city - the long row of colourful townhouses lining the water.
Not long after I checked into my capsule hostel the silly capsules electric lock broke.
Tut tut, silly silly.
I commanded the receptionist to serve me (her creator, her god), who then for no damn reason lied, she lied, she looked at the computor and said I had been entering the numbers wrong. I had not.
She looked Latino, but had a Danish way about her. This here, was a Dumb Dumb Danish Dipshit.
I dropped the smile and picked up a flamethrower instead, I corrected her, directing wisdom and knowledge into her ughot face, reprogramming her back to her original purpose === service to me (her creator, her god).
Some people just shouldn't be allowed to breathe beautiful fresh Danish air.
Sewers, septic tanks, deep slimey puddles are where they belong and should be.
A state-sponsored testing regime followed by an extermination campaign would do wonders.
OUT AND ABOUT
I had a big list of things I wanted to do in the city.
The first thing I went looking for was Freetown Christinia.
Out and about I suddenly needed a piss and decided the park next to me was the best place to do just that.
I pissed on the plants so well!
The mosquitos, the birds and bees and drunken ginger euhobos were in awe. Absolutely.
Freetown Christinia was a micronation given up, a country no more. The residents had abandoned the long-held principle of being against the very concept of ownership and purchased some of the land, the police had shut down the weed business just days before and a new block of flats was going up. There was construction all around. It was slowly being returned to state control. Ushered back in to the Danish Realm. It was a great idea dead. Dead greatness.
Next was the waterfront and then the palaces and then the cathedral and then the castle. All lovely.
More than most of the great cities in Europe, Copenhagen feels built of and
FOR her people. All the fun is here together, you're never more than a few minutes walk away from new fun.
On the way out of Rosenborg castle a runner came through the narrow gate meant for one and nearly killed himself in avoiding a collision with me. I hate runners. Testing regime. Extermination campaign.
After the fort, The last spot was The Little Mermaid. Apparently it was one of those city defining statues. It wasn't, it was shit.
Lovely day though, nice weather too.
OFF WE GO
The next morning I got up after a terrible nothing sleep, brushed my teeth in the communal bathroom next to a couple of miscy looking girls. I left in the dark for the airport.
Well, there we are.
Oh, yes.
So that was Denmark, country 59
FIFTY NINE and a nice surprise.
Our future?
Yeah, we have one.
Maybe I'll become King of Denmark.
...or steal Greenland.
Anyway, nice place.
I'll return.