Published June 29, 2022
Cyprus, the 4th new country of the year.
This was my first package holiday since I was very young and a holiday with my mum too.
One of the things about these package holidays - they are both extremely long and incredibly short. The time dripped on slowly and yet when it came time to leave I felt as if I had just arrived.
Arriving in Paphos
It was night when we arrived in Paphos. At the 'tourist village' an old worker with a thick Northern accent drove us by golf buggy to our apartment.
"You've got a nice room!" he said, in that hard to pinpoint, general Northern accent, the excitement sounded genuine though as we sped around the narrow streets towards our apartment block, one of 48.
It turned out to be the nicest one in the entire village.
The next morning
The next morning we went out onto the balcony and found the deep blue mediterranean and an impressive panoramic view, on the hillside to the left stood the lighthouse built by the British in the 1880s, well-spaced palms lined the beach.
Breakfast, Beach, 7 Up Free, Balcony
Decision Against Swimming in the Ocean
I quickly made the decision against swimming in the ocean. I just didn't feel like getting all those germs out there all over my body and then inside my body, yuck, yucky, yuck yuck yucky. Wasn't in the mood dude.
Determined Not to Burn
I was also determined not to burn. I coated myself in layers of milky suntan lotion every day and with the exception of one area on my left arm, I kept the sting and peel away.
Walk to the Harbour
On the first full day we walked along the ocean, around the hillside and to the harbour, we went into the first resturant we saw and the food was delicious, not thrown together crap for tourists, I ordered the chicken kebab and enjoyed it as the sun began to set.
The Mall Was Nice
The mall was nice.
The Trip to Nicosia
The one day away from Paphos was a trip to the capital Nicosia.
I had no interest in crossing the flung together messy urban border, I wasn't heading to Nicosia for that. If I go to Northern Cyprus it will be to actually go to Northern Cyprus, not a quick, 'hehe look at me I'm in a weird place!' kind of novelty, that shit bores me, boring shit.
Nicosia itself, the Nicosia I saw anyway, was actually quite delightful.
I met a nice cat, a beautiful old soul of a cat laying in the shade atop a concrete pillar, saw that flung together messy urban border cutting the city in two, met some other nice cats, ate a limited edition Cypriot McDonald's burger, walked up and down the streets and found a great city park.
On the bus back to Paphos, I found the blue dot passing through British territory, THE EMPIRE LIVES! No it's dead, fucking dead and gone forever and ever, this splash of land just a remnant, albeit a geostrategic one. SADGE. I didn't ruminate long though, I was thirsty.
Package Holidays Are Not Terrible But British Karaoke Is
A package holiday is never going to be something I do often, but the atmosphere around of THIS IS A HOLIDAY woooooo, wasn't as irritating as it could have been.
The only truly horrific experience was a meal at a British tourist restaurant, aside from the shit food and long wait for it, a singer was hired to belt out crap karaoke.
I grabbed the large, sharp knife that came with the crappy burger...
"They shouldn't have given me a knife."
It was a close one.
Horror. Terrorism. Worse than terrorism. Death to them all.
Another unwelcome surprise towards the end of the week was waking up to my phone's charging port packed full of hardened sand. Did I smash the phone into the beach or even just leave it about anywhere sand be chillin' ??? NO, I did not.
Sand got in there though, somehow. Whether through a human, spirit or some sentient kamakazi sand collective...
It was a mild annoyance. The back cover also exploded as I was removing it, smashing into a trillion shards of black glass, cutting my fingers.
I MIGHT FUCK MY FISH
On the last day we walked to the harbour again and ate a meal at the same restuarant.
I ordered fish and chips.
The moment the first crispy fluffy bite touched my tongue I felt a shiver of true joy, the colours of the universe combined and I felt a reminder of the infinite.
It was the nicest fried fish I have ever eaten, even better than the first meal. Food has a wide range of powers. Some is a dull bore, some can make you puke and shit and curse a nation and others, well others make you want to fuck the damn thing.
I wanted to fuck this damn fried, dead fish on my plate. I decided not to fuck it though, I ate it all instead and it was delicious.
Cyprus, a tragic place, a nice place, I wouldn't mind going back one day.