Through the Hollow Hole

I had a piece of wire stuck in me. It threaded through my collarbone. I couldn’t see it. But I could feel it and it felt like I had stabbed myself with a coat hanger in some sexual whimsy. It should have hurt but it didn’t. 

My least favourite thing was happening. I was spiralling. In the hole nothing ever goes to plan. You gotta improvise. Or maybe everything goes to plan. Because ‘figure it out on the way’ is always my attitude going in the thing. 

Nothing prepares you for it. I’ve done it well over a thousand times now, across centuries. Nothing prepares you. 

I couldn’t see her. Little Brown Girl was somewhere in here with me. Her and a billion others heading all over the universe. About an afternoon. That’s how long it usually takes. Well, that’s how long the hole makes you feel like it takes. I’ve loved it and hated it since my first trip through. 

Spots the size of planets, countless. The velvet vibrating fabric. Silver rain. A few hundred die each time. I wondered if my powers protected me in any way from that. 

I played with the wire with my index fingers and thumbs. I twisted it and pulled, trying to dislodge my body from the skewer. 

I became glad I had it in me. It was something to distract from the spiralling. Something to keep me from facing it. It anchored me in some kind of truth. 

I shut my eyes and decided to dream. 

I woke to shouting. 

“HELP!” 

My body was now calm, freed from the spiralling. 

A fellow traveller was now beside me. A rare thing for the Hollow Hole. 

“Help me. This thing is attacking me.” 

“That’s a SMINK.” 

SMINKS are the worst. 

“Ya huh, okay well, get it off me, get it off me!” 

She came like a torpedo into my stomach. 

“Yeah don’t do that.” 

“Oh I did that.” 

She grabbed at the SMINK with both hands and finally got a hold of it. 

“NO! DON’T TOUCH THE SMIN..!” 

The mop of doom exploded all over her.

I spun around, and covered my mouth and eyes just in time. 

It smelt of terrible piss. 

Goblin. Green. Neo-Lang. Underpass. Piss. 

She was gone, poor lady, exploded all over the pipe. A part of the journey forever now. Poor twat. 

I closed my eyes again and thought of Mexico. 

Mexican thoughts. 

I started singing. 

I had a long way to go. 

In the desert

The Pass Through was quick. You never know. Sometimes it takes an age. I got through fast and with no real hassle. 

Me and L.B.G. 🙂 booked the Mezi Central Pop Out, somewhere along the way I was reassigned to the Manasus State Pop Out. 

I wasn’t against it. 

It would be nice to spend a few days wandering the desert. Maybe I’d meet a Swedish girl, from Sweden, on holidays. Fall in love! We could adopt Little Brown Girl as our daughter. Before the inevitable divorce and court battle. 

I bought a three day supply of water and candy to see me through. Apparently there was weather coming. Whatever. 

I was only a day or so walk from Mezi and another half a day to Pedro Lake. I was tempted to throw out the safety plan of heading for the lake and go straight to Mezi. The likelihood we both got reassigned was low but not impossible. 

I didn’t need to make the decision now anyway, the fork in the road was 20 hours west of me. I decided to enjoy myself instead of worry. 

There’s not much to write about those 20 hours. I had a small armadillo-type creature follow me for a few miles. I fell over a rock and knocked my knee. I found an odd looking plant and decided to smoke the leaves. 

I took a nap. I had a wank. 

How well did I know Little Brown Girl? 

I wondered if her powers could work out which way I went and just catch up to me there. 

I thought back over everything we’d been through and concluded that was probably true. 

‘Stick to the plan.’ a voice inside my head demanded. I’m not sure it was my own. 

At the fork I sent my boots left. Towards Pedro Lake. I stuck to the plan. 

Black spots in the sky and a dirt pit full of skeletons. 

‘Mass grave.’ I pointed. 

Little Brown Girl cracked the plastic off one of those giant fairground lollipops, she put her tongue to the sweet disk and went mental. 

Licky, lick, lick. 

I still had a few handfuls of candy left and a litre of water. Running low but not desperate yet. My mouth and throat were dry and raspy though, I had started to ration a few hours back. 

Why couldn’t we have met at a non-toxic lake. 

A nice little blue lagoon ? 

Fuck Pedro. 

“Oh look, a little brown boy.” 

“What! Where?” 

“There.” 

We were in wild country. 

Wild dead country. 

The desert panorama dry and desolate. A few plants, cacti, burnt sticks. 

The sand was getting in my ears and up my arse. I didn’t like this environment. I wanted a bath. 

But my eyes weren’t lying. 

A little brown boy was here. 

He was a dot on the horizon but I could make out a shape and a colour. 

Despite my dry mouth, I was swallowing more blood than usual. And I think a tooth was loose. 

The little brown boy began to sprint towards us. Urgent! Desperate! 

“Way oh.” he shouted under his medical mask. 

“Way oh.” I shouted back. 

Little Brown Girl took my hand and squeezed it hard. 

“Bandits.” 

“Bastards.”

“He’s a distraction, they’ll be on us soon.” 

I did a scan of the desert and saw nothing. There were no bandits anywhere. 

Little Brown Girl closed her eyes. 

Penis Cock 

“Penis Cock PenisCock penis Penis PENIS COCK.” 

It was Little Brown Boy. 

Singing penis cock. 

Still in the desert

A while up an orange dirt road we hit a gate. No wall connected to it, or fence. Just a gate with a warning in red paint. Or blood. 

STAY AWAY OR ELSE

“Or else.”

“Or else what.” 

Yeah. 

Little Brown Girl spat blood into her hand and held it up at the sign. 

“We’re FUNK. Nobody threatens FUNK!” 

We both decided it was the best bet. Go inside, survive, kill if we need to. 

A winding path had been marked by two parallel lines of dull looking stones. We walked it to a small village of plank huts. 

“Who goes there?” 

“Well, excuse me.” 

The leader of the group was a small Englishman with white hair, slicked to the side with streaks of sludegy grey. Whenever he spoke he sounded like he was about to shit himself. 

“Now, listen here. I don’t know what you two think you’re doing coming around our nice, garden community. But I have to tell you, this is a safe place, a safe space for myself and my family and friends. We live here together in a shared spirit of service. Commited to the betterment of all.” 

He was unlikeable but not in a way that could ever rise to hate. He was remarkably uninteresting. Earth had really fallen. 

Or maybe it was always like this. 

I needed water. I pushed the twat to the ground and left him for Little Brown Girl. 

I found a tap, put my lips to the metal opening, turned the handle, and let the water fill me up like a sinking boat. 

Ha. 

I fell to the ground satisfied and sick. I rubbed my big belly and admired Earth’s endless blue. 

It was nice, it was calm and then it wasn’t. 

A blob of grey was raging my way. 

He was gesticulating. Wobbling in a blur. My vision was opaque. My eyes despised light, FUCKING HATED light. 

It was like they’d never seen a photon before. 

W A W L L 

It was even worse than that, it was really fucking bad. 

Wahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa w w w Lllllllll. . . . . . . .

“Well, look, fucking listen! I’m the leader so it’s only right that we respect our democracy, our institutions and do as I say.” 

He took a deep breath.

“I believe it is now time you both, both of you leave our community, a community that which I do not need to even mention again is one dedicated to the principles of service and the betterment of all those of us who believe in the universal truth of fairness.” 

“It’s time.” 

It was time. 

Little Brown Girl took a small device out from under her skirt, a purple plastic blob about the size of a pencil sharpener, she clicked it twice. 

Click. Click. 

This was more showy than the vacuum she used before. She must have hated him. Again, I didn’t really care. Just a tosser in our way. 

Toss him away. 

The purple plastic blob spun and flew towards him. 

There was just enough time to enjoy the unknown. I wondered what this toy would do. 

It cut out the iris of his right eye. 

It pulled his front eight teeth clean from his jaw. 

It burned a hole through his forehead into his brain. 

It set his clothes on fire and scraped a horrible black squiggle through his bones. 

It cut his small, old white cock off and then blended it with joy into a smelly paste. 

It was extraordinary. 

I lifted my hands to clap. But didn’t. I just held them there, in the air, ready to clap. 

“What was that all about?” I asked, feeling just a little bit sick. Happy sick. 

“I hate people like that.” 

She turned to face me. 

“Never become a liar like that. It’s okay to lie, but don’t pretend to be good, never pretend to be good, it’s the worst thing.” 

I promised her. And I meant it. 

I’d never pretend to be good. 

I’ve kept that promise. 

Seeing the state of their former leader, one of the village women approached us and sheepishly offered directions to a convenience store, where we could stay and eat and drink as much as our Juice could buy. 

Much better. 

Little Brown Girl stuck the plastic back under her skirt and we went on our way. 

“Nice sunset tonight.” Little Brown Girl said. 

It was. 

“Yeah, it is.” 

;;;;;;; 

I’m eating a BLT 

I’m really into the BLTs they got here these days. 

It’s a newish item. 

Never used to like them. 

I eat one for lunch every day now. 

I suppose there are some nice things, still. 

They really do get the balance right. 

Fucking shits. Little bastard fucking shits!! 

The bacon, the lettuce, the tomato, the ketchup and mayo – it’s very well balanced. I’m happy. 

There’s a meeting tonight

The Convenience Store was the name of the convenience store. I always appreciate things like that. They still call the bus The Bus in Hawaii. 

The door and windows were metal, a sign out front made clear to all that they should FUCK OFF but I had a sense someone was inside. And this person inside would like us lots and lots. 

I hit my knuckles on the hard door three times. 

“YEAH!?” 

A storm of dust and rust hit me in the eyes. 

The door swung open and a small sword was at my throat. It could have been a novelty butter knife. It was still scary. 

And it could have been a sword. 

And this is my book. It was a sword. 

“You take yaw sweet arse time, mayte.” 

She was four feet and zero inches of fizzing fiffing odd. 

I scratched the line made by the metal on my neck and invited myself inside. I was all puffed up, angry, ready to do some punching. 

Little Brown Girl was more sanguine. Something was off. 

Something was wrong.

The old lady stuck her fat body behind the small wooden counter and I searched the shelves. Everything was expired. The Potato Instant Prawns died many years ago. 

Little Brown Girl sat on the empty ice cream freezer, her head resting in both her hands. 

She was looking at the weirdo. Smiling. It wasn’t obvious smiling, but it was smiling. 

The shop was dusty and suffocating. Everything was rusted and sharp, twisted old metal and ancient broken wood. 

Sitting sad and alone on an otherwise empty shelf was a cheese, ham, onion and mayo sandwich. It was a nice looking sandwich. I reached out a hand to pick it up but for some reason didn’t end up touching it. My hand stopped itself and slipped into my pocket instead. 

‘I need more sandwich in my life.’ 

The thought sent a ripple of sadness through me. 

It was a real true thought, full of genuine emotion. 

I couldn’t remember the last time I had a sandwich. 

In fact I still haven’t had a fucking sandwich since. I should have eaten that sandwich. But I left it there on the shelf. It would have given me some happiness before that sad fucking nightmare. 

She sat at the counter staring at me. There was no emotion. 

“All I can say is this. There’s a meeting tonight. And you’re both invited.” 

Her eyelashes curled back ‘round on themselves to make little tunnels. Her lips were drawn with light blue lipstick and she had a fake beauty spot on her right cheek. I called her Mayolyn. 

Mayolyn stuck a fork into a large cheesecake sitting on the little wooden counter. She twisted a hole into its softness. Delightful. 

I had the sense we were supposed to be here. I couldn’t tell if we were in a trap. It felt fishy, stunk of fish. But, there was also a warmth and comfort to it. 

“Why are we here?” 

“I have no other role than to tell you that there is a meeting tonight.” 

She clapped both her hands together, dry skin and cake. 

Her bulging eyes popped and she pointed at Little Brown Girl. 

She laughed. She squealed. 

“Ask her. She knows more than anyone.” 

I looked at Little Brown Girl. Little Brown Girl looked at me. 

I needed some air. 

“Penis Cock Penis Cock Penis Penis Penis Cock.” 

I took my cock out and pissed my name into the sand. I haven’t told you that yet have I. My name. I don’t think I will. Who cares. I don’t fucking care. 

You know me as a monster. The Worst. 

The Reason. 

Or maybe I’ll tell you, I’ll decide later. 

It’s different from what they say. I’ll say that. 

I’m smiling. 

Some dumb bitch is watching me through the glass like I’m a monkey. She’s the monkey. 

The entire universe knows me. Nobody will ever know her. 

The FUNK Circle

We arrived at The FUNK Circle after dark. It was a little chilly now. That old Earth moon watched us from up high. 

“BB.” 

“Mama.” 

A sickening feeling was growing inside me. 

I looked at my feet. Where were my boots? 

Did I even have boots? 

“Mama? BB?” 

“I haven’t been completely honest with you.” 

Little Brown Girl was breaking my heart. 

The white haired gypsy bitch took a step closer. 

Mama. 

“This is The FUNK Circle. We are all chosen. We are FUNK. 51, 63, 18, 22, 12, 16. All chosen. All empowered.” 

17 flat stones ringed the fire. I counted them. 

“A sacrifice is needed.” 

Oh fuck that. 

It wasn’t just a sacrifice. 

Little Brown Girl stepped forward. 

“It’s okay, these people are my family and this is something that needs to happen.” 

My eyes filled with water. I clenched my fists. 

“No,” I shouted, I screamed, “I’m your family!” 

I couldn’t breathe. I loved that little brown girl more than anything. 

Murder entered my mind. 

But these people were her family. Apparently. 

She just said it. Family. Do I kill the people that she loves? And then have her hate me in return. 

I only knew I couldn’t let her die. For some stupid… for anything. I loved her. 

So I stepped forward. 

A boy and a girl, just little children, tied my hands and legs together and wrapped a thick white rope around my chest and neck. 

They looped it around the large wooden stakes sticking high out of the ground. I was going to die. 

Oh no. 

Little Brown Girl fought tooth and nail for it to be her and not me. I didn’t understand why we were here. I didn’t know anything about anything about this. Just instincts, feelings, fleeting words. There was nothing tangible, no object. No reason, no rhyme, no thing to hold in my fucking hands. THIS! All these years and then this time. FUNK, FUNK WHAT, FUNK WHAT! THE FUCK WHAT! 

The girl lit the fire with a simple blue match. I was disappointed in the lack of theatrics, what the fuck was that all about. They could have at least given a speech. No speech. No words. This was routine. 

They were all staring at me. They looked bored. 

I don’t know where they all came from. They just kind of appeared. 

The fire licked my spine, my skin started to split and spill. 

I looked in Little Brown Girl’s eyes and said goodbye. 

It took 14 billion years to create them.

Those eyes. 

All that trial and error. Finally it got something so perfect, so pure. Perfect and pure, these are amateur, silly, terrible ways to describe two balls of hardened goo I’d gladly swim through lava for. 

All those billions of years, all those stars and civilizations. And then her eyes. 

And I get to stare at them. 

Impossible. How could I be so lucky. 

Lucky guy. Me. 

Lucky Dead Guy. Me. Oh well. 

So here I was. On fire. 

I sang Penis Cock. It really was an earworm. 

Penis cock 

Penic cock 

Penis 

Penis 

PENIS COCK 

Penis Cock helped. It really did. 

I did what I could to lessen the pain. I wasn’t going to go quickly either. I would go using what I could from my FUNK basket to help me through, but I’d fight the end for as long as I could. Even if that end was inevitable. 

I’d be ash in the desert night. In twenty minutes, regardless. 

I kept looking in her eyes. 

And then I saw it in her. 

The same love and fear of loss that got me on that fire. 

She killed them all quickly. Silently. 

It was ballet through the air, blood and organs for the masses. It was so quiet. Exact. 

My death wasn’t the inevitable. 

She sliced and cut with a tender regret, unavoidable. 

When it was all done. She looked robotic. Mechanical. Devoid. But she was relieved. I think so anyway. 

She stood for a long moment. Standing above puddles of blood, of wayward skin, balls of broken pink flesh. 

I was still on fire. 

She stood for that long moment. 

And then she cut me off the fire and saved my life. 

I held her face in my hands and said something. 

A vision narrowed. A tunnel of blackness. Time slowed. I studied her face. I wanted to say a lot of things. I worried where I’d wake up this time. The world went.