Earthbound 

“Actually. You are a fucking idiot.” 

A bit harsh, but I didn’t argue the point. 

“Godwit could spin through a thousand Hollow Holes before even breaking a sweat.” 

I listened. 

“She’s named after a bird from Earth. Earth Godwits fly for thousands of miles, from Alaska to New Zealand without rest, point to point they don’t stop, don’t sleep.” 

I had questioned an injured Godwit’s ability to get us through the Hollow Hole to Earth. Apparently I was a fucking idiot. 

Maybe. I didn’t mind. 

As we walked the dirt trail to Godwit, the terror of the cost of Hollow Hole travel hit me. 

“I don’t have any Juice.” 

“What about money, that might work.”

I laughed in her face. 

“Have you really lost all your powers?” 

“Think so.” 

“Seems that way.” 

“So I have to do all the heavy lifting again?” 

“Probably.” 

“So I’m supposed to somehow find the Juice to get us to fucking Earth! get us to fucking Earth! all by myself, me and my little brown Syn-girl powers?” 

“Yes.” 

The world started spinning. 

And then I started spinning. 

“We kind of forgot about my fever didn’t we, FUNK.” 

“Fuck.” 

I don’t know what happened next. 

I woke up on the operating table. 

The Operation

The light was blinding. I heard a nurse swear in my ear. She sounded scared. I was scared. Through my blurry eyes I could make out the outlines of the posters on the wall. I squinted and focused. 

Laszt Bangverie Bang Erie 

Revolutionary slogans in a language I’d never seen before. Or some disturbing French. 

My body was burning.

‘I wonder how bad this will be.’ 

I felt a strong hand on my right ankle and then another on my left. 

Then came the drilling sound. 

Careful. 

Everything in me jumped but my body remained on the table. 

I could feel the tool opening up a hole. Chiselled wood curling free. Swirls of my biology being lifted, a quick swipe of wallet from a drunken street sleeper, out cold, dark night, pissed-up concrete. 

Pouring fucking rain. 

One hole for the right foot and then another hole for the left. 

In the top of the foot the machine worked, going straight down through the bone and stopping just before it went out the bottom through the sole. 

What madness was this. 

Funny way to treat a fever. 

“Poor rabbit, we’re feeling a bit under the weather aren’t we.” 

A cold hand wiped a slick of sweat from my forehead. 

I didn’t like any of this. 

I started screaming as loud as I could. 

“LITTLE BROWN GIRL, LITTLE BROWN GIRL!!” 

I called out her name. My hero. My saviour. 

My vision cleared. I saw a ghost on the TV. There was a TV. An old old old ancient TV. 

It started singing 

“Wa oh. Wa Oh. Wa oh. Wa Oh.” 

I heard piano keys summoning violence. 

THE VIOLENCE. Smashing. 

Strobes. Lightning. Meat theatre. Dreams. 

The only romance left is great crime. 

I saw my arms and their scars. Scars I forgot a long time ago. I drew a line in my mind along the pink red valley. There was rain in the room now. 

That pouring fucking rain. 

They were after my hands now. 

My arteries squeezed shut and it was all gone. 

An old croak of an English accent greeted me when I regained consciousness. 

“Eck, gotta shine this one up Marj.” 

The noise of a crow. 

He shon a small pocket torch into both of my eyes.  

“Now listen, this is for your own good boy. Don’t cause a scene.” 

He slapped my chest with a pair of plastic gloves. 

They were green and had holes at the tips. 

I rolled a riddle around my brain for a minute. 

A story was forming, a storm over a grey sea. 

Foam. 

I didn’t want to believe it. But it made sense. 

I knew. 

I knew the truth before I admitted it to myself. 

The impact was enough to release a tear. 

It ran fast down my face, chasing dinner. A mad dash across the border. It went all the way down my cheek, my jaw, my neck, stopping in a pool on my shoulder. 

That Little Brown Girl. 

Sweetness 

I tore both hands from the table and reached for the doctor’s throat, before I could grab it, he went flying across the wing and through the far-off window. 

My powers were back. 

And just in time. 

With a shake both nails fell from the holes in my palms and with one jolt my feet were freed. I removed the right nail and then the left. 

Things get a bit mental now. I have no regrets, no regrets at all about any of these murders. 

I turned to the nurse and smiled. Marj!

“Right then, time to hurt you very badly.” 

I picked up the drill and tore through the powder blue nurse uniform into her tit. I drilled from the nipple to the heart and gave her some tongue before she dropped. 

I removed her clothes and pissed on the pile. 

Outside the cube I started spraying nails. Spr, spr, spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

Spr spr spr > > > 

The metal cut through the flesh so cleanly. Nice clean lines. I hit a small disabled child by accident. But it was an accident. I was aiming for the uniforms. Every now and then a nail would go through the face of a non-uniform wearing individual. I assumed these poor fucks were a little like me, experiments! to these disgusting savages. 

I cleared the hallways and lobbies and then went room by room. 

They had attempted to barricade themselves inside with no success. 

Once I got through, they were fish in a barrel. 

Hands up, screaming, crying, begging me. 

Sick bastards. Fucking perverts. 

I collapsed onto the floor, I couldn’t catch my breath. My heart pounded, my vision was bright white light. Star flashes, one after another. The beam. The gleam. I saw an angry kangaroo. 

Kangaroo. 

Dancer, prancer. Belly-shock enhancer. 

I found a water fountain. And dove. 

Dripping wet I did a quick count, fifty three uniforms on the floor bleeding heavily, five innocents badly damaged. 

I did my best to fix them up until the paramedics got there. I left thinking they’d live, four did, one didn’t. 

This was betrayal. That little bitch had been steering me here hadn’t she, to remove me as the chosen one, to get FUNK 58 back open. 

FUNK FEVER, FUCK OFF 

She poisoned me, I bet all that shit at the cabin never even happened, it was just a continuation of the Crystal City bathtub wanker scene, the dream of a drugged up me. 

All that crap about Earth was just a lie to get me in some state, vulnerable so they could extract my memories and eat them or some sick shit. Eating my precious memories while I was 12 floors down sucking and fucking synapses. 

Bubble. Pop. Pink. Meat. 

She failed. They all did. 

The gaslights were all changed. I couldn’t even trust myself anymore. It had been coming. Maybe this went back further. Maybe I’m dead. Finale. Permanent. Nothing. No more me. 

The truth was even stranger. My life. 

This life I had and the life I have now. 

I cleaned the Juice from every uniform’s wrist. 

I was naked and covered in blood. Their blood. I squeezed my firsts and punched the air. Fighter, street fighter. Nobody fucks with, me. 

Golf and Erin

The rain was falling and the sky blue darkness. 

I had a lot of questions, but there was only one answer. 

I pushed my face against the glass entrance door and wished for a miracle. 

WAKE UP. TIME TO PLAY. STOP THIS. 

I tore at my hair and jumped up and down. 

I slapped my wrist. Full of juice and only one thing to spend it on. Finding that girl. 

I hailed a cab from outside the building. I looked back through the rainy glass to commit it to memory. Old and grey. An ancient neo-Zoven block. 

I watched the cars on the stacked highways outside the window. Every now and then, I saw my reflection. My skin looked worn. A melted plastic bag left outside alone, melted at odd spots and angles. My life had taken a beating and I was again tired and sick in ways I couldn’t define, I could never catch anything solid of it in my hands and shout yes, THIS! 

The feeling was betrayal. And as always, each new one hurts and angers like you’ve never felt that feeling before. But it’s all too familiar. 

Not that little brown girl, not Little Brown Girl!! 

Not mommy!! 

Not daddy!! 

Not Alice!! 

Not WoNi!! 

Not Cam Bas Chu!! 

Not the rest of the long, long list of traitors!! 

I told the cab to head downtown. We were far from it. Thirty minutes in, we passed a driving range and I stopped the cab and got out. 

I removed the white coat I snatched off one of the dead in Pingfang. 

I had holes all through me. Black voids dug through my soul. I picked up a shard of glass, slashed through the netting and sprinted for the platform of golfers. I hate golfers. 

As I ran across the open space the face of one of the monsters came back to me. 

I chewed her ears while they were still attached, then I ripped both off and swallowed them whole. 

“BLOOD!!” I remember shouting. 

“BOO LUD!!” 

They may have been monsters. But I’m the fucking devil. 

At the base of the structure I searched around for something to wear. There were three open rooms of balls, sticks and cardboard boxes. In the corner of one of them I found a leather jacket and a matching pair of boots.

I threw on the jacket and slipped my bloody feet into the boots. There was a full-length mirror in the room and I looked at myself in it. My cock sat half-asleep to the left, slowly rising. I stood there for another minute with a hard dick in leather. 

After ten more minutes of looking around I found a thick blue sheet and fashioned myself an improvised kilt and then I headed upstairs to play some golf. 

A couple were a few slots over. First date, maybe. They were getting along. Flirting, happy. 

I took a first date to one of these before. Probably a hundred thousand days ago now. Earth days. She was sweet. I hurt her heart. 

I picked up a club from the fake grass and did a few practice swings. 

I gripped the stick with both hands and readied a proper swing. I threw the club up into the air behind my head and held it there. 

I hit the small white ball with the tip of my shoe, it shot off fast, flew over the netting and into the wall of ‘scrapers. It probably hit a window, it probably ruined someone’s evening. I laughed at the thought. 

I dropped the club and turned to look at the couple who were now kissing. I thought of them in bed together, the guy had a little one, a chipolata, the girl a gigantic cave full of mushrooms and other fungi. They fucked to the noise of bad Chinese cartoons. They wouldn’t last. 

I ordered a six-pack of ginger lemonade and two battered fish fillets. 

I pulled up a plastic lawn chair and thought about where she could be. 

She must have heard about the massacre back there by now. 

I popped my first can of ginger lemonade and took a sip. The fish was perfect, bubbly fried batter coating clean white flesh. I picked and dipped in a puddle of ketchup. I had no idea where I was. The smacking of teenage lips. I chewed my fish. I drank my ginger lemonade. 

The atmosphere looked planet-y. It could have been the dark side of some moon. 

This wouldn’t have been a problem when I was born. It was amazing then, life was so simple. 

And it wasn’t exactly a problem now was it. I could have found out by now if I really wanted to. 

The couple left after I finished the second fillet. I was on my last can, half-way done when I figured it all out. 

My brain got jacked. Hacked and Trapped. 

I left the platform. 

I ran down the metal steps and past the small reception box. I skidded on my heels as I looked inside. A girl was in there sipping the oily yellow broth of a steaming bowl of noodles. 

Who was she?

I wanted to talk to her. I could forget all about my problems. We could stay up all night, eating noodles and candy and drinking more of that ginger lemonade. Listening to cringe pop and watching old French films. 

She had long dark hair. Her face was East Asian. And it was pretty, clear and open, the face of an actress. Way too interesting to be sitting in that box assigning numbers to drunks and teenage lovers. 

Our eyes met through the glass. Her eyes widened and her brows rose, pushing three fine lines of wrinkles into existence. I looked away, stupid. And then I looked back. Stupid. Liquid was dripping from her chin back into the bowl. Her chopsticks were still pinned to her lips, the noodles twisted mocking my fear. 

I approached the window and gave it a knock. 

“Um, yeah?” 

What a stupid fucking thing to do.

“Hi.” 

“Hi.” 

“Hi, can I have some noodles?” 

What a stupid fucking thing to say. 

She laughed, greasy liquid flying all over. 

“Ahh, okaaayyy, suuurrreee.” 

“It’s pretty quiet tonight, I’ll take a bowl upstairs, go up and wait for me.” 

She placed the bowl on one of the folding chairs and told me her name, Erin. 

I told her mine and we shook hands. Yeah, I was in love. Big dumb love. 

Erin picked up a basket of golf balls. I sipped the soup of my noodles. 

A little brown girl

Erin tipped the basket of balls onto the floor, I separated them with my shoes. 

She was wearing a tight white skirt made of thin polyester and a tight blue shirt with the logo of some bottled water company on it. Her belly button was a dark dot of delicious delight. Her yellow skin sparkled with a film of perfumed sweat. 

She separated her legs wide and took a shot. Bad effort, big failure. The ball went about 20 feet. 

I thought about doing the cliché. Sliding up behind her and teaching her how to swing. But my cock was very hard and I didn’t feel like a quick fuck at the driving range. I wanted to see this one again. 

I decided, this was a great romance, and a kiss is all I’d allow tonight. 

One kiss. 

“Who’s that?” 

Someone was standing out there, a little figure lit bright and yellowed by the floodlights. 

I rubbed my eyes and squinted. 

Yeah. 

“Little Brown Girl.” 

“A little brown girl?” 

“Yeah. A little brown girl.” 

I wasn’t mad anymore. Erin had smoothed out all the roughness. 

I swang the club back and forth. A pendulum of expectation. It made a whoosh sound. 

She was walking towards us now. 

Little brown step. Little brown step. 

What would I say to her? I’d been rehearsing it in my head since I broke out. 

I’d scream, “THIS was your plan all along, wasn’t it!!” 

And then blow her to pieces with a surprise. 

I wasn’t expecting an easy fight though. It would be FUNK against FUNK and who knew. 

Each step echoed metallic and rung like a bell behind my eyes. I was so nervous. And so excited. I was actually glad she was okay. 

When she got to the platform she gave a half-smirk, and cracked her fake bone knuckles. 

“We need to talk.” she said. 

“Yeah, we do.” 

She scratched her ankle and looked at me in a way I couldn’t explain. 

She looked like a new girl. 

Light pink sweater. 

Small blue skirt. 

Classy white sandals. 

Gold stud earrings with a small white gem in the centre of each, stuck to her tiny earlobes. 

I’d never seen her look so girlish. 

“I was nearly annihilated.” 

“What happened?” 

And here now, I’ll tell you the truly fucking miserable story of a little brown girl…

Printed on the same day Borkvile SFC won The World Cup. Her human family were big fans of swot football and didn’t meet her until two days later. She sat at the house alone, not knowing a kettle from a tube of toothpaste. 

You know what. Fuck you. It was a long story and for most of it I was looking at Erin. So that was the beginning and this is the end. . . 

“That’s when mom and dad split and I got sent away.” 

I tapped my hand on her shoulder. I don’t know. I didn’t know what to do. 

“At the factory I was surplus, in reserve for when one of the older models finally broke down. I wasn’t much of an upgrade apparently.”

“I was thrown around like a soulless toaster.” 

“I haven’t got to the worst part yet.”

“What’s the worst part?” 

“I was finally called into service during The Greatest Uprising. The entire estate was transformed into a killing machine. They would come in on a belt. My job would be to finish off those who torture hadn’t cracked. I’d end them quickly, ignoring their pleas for mercy. Then they’d continue on the belt, chopped up and turned into feed.” 

I squeezed her arm and kissed the top of her head. It was paternal. I loved her. 

“Wait.” 

“What happened?” 

“What?”

“How did I end up in that torture tank?”

“You mean the hospital?” 

“The hospital?” 

“I took you there. You were in a bad way – edema, blood clots, blocked shitter.” 

“Ah.” 

“Yeah, ah.” 

“So you know what I did?” 

“Yeah I know.” 

“I didn’t know, I thought.” 

“I know, don’t worry too much about it, it was partly my fault anyways, I shouldn’t have left you alone in there.” 

Erin looked puzzled. 

“We should probably leave soon, a company called Barlins Juice runs this planet and they’re looking for you.” 

Erin made a high-pitched squeak sound. I still had a hard dick. 

“Barlins are notorious for their punitive measures. They’re really creative with pain.” 

I grabbed Erin by the waist and kissed her lips. 

I asked her to come with us, she couldn’t. It was better that way. There was no time for love on a mission like this. I knew that was a lie. But oh well. 

We all stood there in a triangle waiting for someone to speak. 

Erin won or lost. 

“If you need a Hollow Hole, there’s one about an hour away. A lot of checkpoints and hold ups, but you’ll get in, it’s a liberal planet, travel’s a right.” 

That made no sense. Evil liberal corporate planet big on rights. 

“I’m a wanted man.” 

“Oh jeezus, yes!” 

Erin tickled her teeth with her fingers. 

My cock is huge. 

Little Brown Girl took a step ruining the triangle. 

“We’ll get out in disguise, if they catch us we’ll just have to use our powers and hope for the best.” 

She kicked her white sandals together. Left kicked right and right kicked left. 

Hope For The Best. 

“Your powers are back, aren’t they.” 

Little Brown Girl smiled and I smiled too. 

The Hollow Hole

“Next up.” 

“Remove your clothing.” 

I was examined by the first officer.

He looked me up and down, stopping his eyes at my cock each time. I didn’t think much of it. 

“This one 60 percent pink, 40 percent blue.” 

We were about to travel over a billion lightyears across the explosion of existence and we were being prepped with some basic chemicals, a sponge and a metal bucket. 

These lowtech things mixed with incredible beyond-comprehension technologies are so fucking beautiful. 

Romance still exists. And I’m a romantic. 

Lana was the name of my rubber and scrubber. 

She held the fear of a newby with the tenacity of someone determined to ride through the ranks and one day become Controller. I could tell. 

Lana took the yellow sponge and dropped it into the bucket, it left the bucket pink, Lana slapped it across my chest with a mechanical sophistication. 

Armpit, left, armpit, right. 

Balls and arse. Face and neck. 

Every inch was covered. A thorough job. Well done Lana. 

There’s just something about the smell of chlorine that really does it for me. I was in a real great mood. 

Next up was Little Brown Girl. 

Looking at her body made me feel sentimental, I was a child once. A long time ago. She’d be this way forever. A small little human-looking thing with the power of FUNK in her heart. 

I also felt unease at some lumpy prick in faded blue overalls rubbing liquid all over her naked body. It should have been the other way ‘round. I should have been rubbed up and down by him and she shoulda got Lana. 

He lifted her small arms, spread her thin legs and polished her like some machine. 

I got angry. I was radioactive. But I calmed down. I cooled off. If Little Brown Girl wasn’t complaining then I could let this annoyance slide, for now. 

For now. I noted his name and number. I’d deal with him one day, when I was back this way. 

We were both protected now, a thin liquid of chlorine mixed with a small amount of methanol was all it took. I smiled again at the thought. 

I was up first. I never did like this part. Navigating through forty feet of spinning wire and chain, before reaching The Stand. 

I held my breath and waited for my partner. 

“Alright, remember if we get separated, we meet at Pedro’s By The Lake.” 

I stepped through the membrane. 

“I crossed my fingers and blew LBG a kiss.” 

“See you in Mexico.” 

“The real Mexico.” 

“What.”

I laughed, I turned, I committed. 

I was on my way.